Reboot Movie Fail

By your lovable old pal, Unkiedev

Hollywood movie producers would steal the liver out of a newborn baby if they thought it could turn a profit. If the taste of the day was mutants punching people’s grandmothers in the face they’d release a 12 disk DVD box set. Heck, for two cents they’d throw you and everybody you know into a giant blender just to get extra footage for “Saw 7.”

They aren’t nice and they aren’t your friends…but this time they’ve really gone too far. They have birthed a pig with two faces and they think we are so gullible we shall hail it as the second coming if they nail it to a cross.

And what is this evil I’m speaking of? What diabolical sin have they transgressed, placing a proverbial straw on the backs of our already weakened camels?

They’re making a CGI “Yogi Bear in 3-D” movie “staring” Dan Aykroyd as Yogi and Justin Timberlake as Boo Boo.

Put simply, this movie is the death of American culture.

NETWORK

Looking back on it now we should have recognized “Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties” for what it was: the John the Baptist of talking animal pictures. As long as strip mining cartoons and comics of the past continues to be profitable Hollywood will make Alvin and the Chipmunk “Squeakquels,” “PreSqueakquels” and “Trilo-Squeak-ogies.” I didn’t speak up when Owen Wilson made a Marmaduke film, I pray I’m not too late to save us all now.

I don’t blame Yogi…and not just because he isn’t real. Yogi Bear was a fairly funny cartoon from the 1960’s which was created to be as cheap as it was profitable, with humor directly derivative of superior works at the time. Yogi is long dead now, but they have dragged his zombie out of the grave to do some hip-hop dancing and lunge at your wallet. Not one creative thought went into this film.

Hollywood simply said “Talking animal movies are doing well, let’s make another one of those.” Another executive, looking up from his plate of broiled dolphin replied “Yeah, and my kids love that “Build-a-Bear” place. Are there any talking bear cartoons we could buy on the cheap?”

They probably cast Dan Aykroyd in this because they knew he too was in Ghostbusters and because Ernie Hudson probably had enough dignity left in him to turn them down.

Our country has degraded to such a degree that we are figuratively eating our own cultural dead for nourishment. It takes almost every ounce of my strength to stop myself from downing a case of pop rocks, drinking a six-pack of Coke and getting on my pogo stick.

Why do they get away with their constant crimes against good taste? Because YOU or someone you know is going out and paying money to see their films.

NEXT week I’ll tell you about what is new and hip in the world of comic books if there is still an America left to tell you in. Today I shall take a stand for what I believe in. DON’T go see another Hollywood remake, rehash or rerun until we have stopped them from crapping in our drinking water with their bland, insipid and insulting talking animal pictures.

And for the record: Why did you do it, JT? You were so cool in “Alpha Dog.” You go from “Southland Tales” to Boo Boo the bear? All I can say is SHAME on you, Justin Timberlake, SHAME!