I write to you, dear readers, from the barnacled confines of a 6” by 4” cell made of sharp coral, tridents and kelp. Yep, you guessed it; I’ve been kidnapped by Merpeople.
It seemed the Merfolk took umbrage with my Aquaman article. No, they don’t particularly like Aquaman, or Namor the Submariner for that matter either. They hate all depictions of Merpersons in comic books as they are generally far afield of the actual, biological reality.
Merwomen and men resemble a manowar jellyfish mixed with a split open Doberman with rows of baleen for teeth…and that’s just their faces. Don’t let Daryl Hanna in “Splash” fool you: Merkind is not attractive.
The reason they hated my Aquaman article, which can still be found here. By the way, is because I called him the “Rodney Dangerfield of the Sea, and they REALLY like Rodney Dangerfield.
AQUA COMICS
The only comic books I can read this week are the ones that the Merjerks read. Up on the surface world you might be enjoying the latest comic from Aspen: Lady Mechanika #0. Good job Aspen for discovering 13-year-old nerd kryptonite: Steampunk with T & A.
I’d LIKE to be reading Buffy the Vampire Slayer #37, or even the brand new Metalocalyps/Dethklock #1 based on the Adult Swim cartoon, both new this week from publisher Darkhorse. I’d like to be reading Liberty Comics Annual #3, the comic book that features art or writing from EVERY SINGLE good creator working today with all proceeds helping to benefit the Legal Defense Fund. I would have even settled for reading Klaws of the Panther #1 from Marvel, the new story about KLAW, the killer made of pure sound taking on Spidey, Wolvie, the Black Panther with those shirtless wonders, the Savage Land Mutants along for the ride.
But that’s not what I get to read for comics this week…
In a week that sees the release of Alan Moore’s Necronomicon #2, I can only read one damp, soggy comic book in the depths of my dungeon prison over and over again. Sigh. And what is this magical book?
It is HALF an issue of Topps’ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles licensed comic book from the 90’s skewered together on a poisonous sea urchin with HALF of an issue of THE ‘NAM. For Shizzle.
TEENAGE NAM•BOUND NINJA VETERANS
It’s deceptively hard to read, mind you, because the urchin is wicked poisonous and wicked feisty. As best as I can figure out these two comic books were assembled from ship wreckage by MerArnthropologists and placed in the Merprison’s library as representational of human behavior.
In the comic, Leonardo, Michelangelo, Private First Class Edward Marks, Raphael and sometimes the Punisher eat pizza and feel hated by the American public they thought they were protecting by fighting Shredder, half of Krang and the Viet Kong.
The plot is shaky at best, but the juxtaposition of the bright and cheery turtles with Marvel’s brilliant real war comic sharply drives home each other’s value: that the turtles, even watered down were free wheeling fun and Viet Nam was not.
And that I hate Merpeople.
