By Devin T. Quin
One of the secrets of success in life is connections, knowing the right people and mixing in the correct social circles to ensure a prosperous future. The hardest part about making these crucial connections, however, is stopping yourself from punching every single human being you meet in their pathetic, mewling faces for not letting YOU rule them all like the simpering cattle they are! Bwa-HA-Ha!
Prepare to hear the good news, brother (or sister): There is an organization dedicated to the same principles you hold dear, the high rewards and low accountability of being an elitist, evil global dominator! You may have heard of this incredible body of like-minded individuals: they call themselves COBRA!
C IS FOR CARING
“YIKES, “ you stammer, spitting your grape soda everywhere, “Aren’t they that ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world? Aren’t they, like, illegal or something?”
To this I would only assert that laws are subject to the legislature of governing bodies, and once the glorious crimson snake of COBRA chokes out the life essence of the World’s governments there shall BE only one law! COBRA LA-la-la-la-la-la-LAW!
O IS FOR OUTLAW
“Fair enough” I hear you gasp out of your drooling kiss hole! “How do I sign up?”
Well, the good news is that if you’re a male between the ages of 13 to 25 with a known criminal record, drug history or sizeable credit card debt, COBRA is probably already watching you! Yes sir, the best way to begin your exciting new life in what we at COBRA like to call “Intercontinental Maintenance and Improvement” is to continue on your wasteful path of self-destruction. A COBRA recruiter will likely contact you in prison, at your local drug pushers, at the Megadeth concert or even in the back lavatory stall of your favorite outlaw biker bar.
Just look for the smiling red python lapel pin!
For ladies with an interest in COBRA things can be a bit trickier. Currently, women make up about %.01 percent of COBRA’s employee roster (Thanks Baroness and Zatana!) And so we are very interested in recruiting more women. VERY interested.
The problem is in the unique structure of COBRA itself. While COBRA prides itself on diversity, OUR version of diversity is a bit different than most work environments. At COBRA you will find people of all races, religions, sexual orientations and illicit proclivities working together in harmony, just as you would at a regular job. The difference is we don’t discriminate against the insane, the mutated or the Robo-American or Cyber Enhanced individuals.
This environment of roid-heads, partially mutated cyborgs, or say, legally insane psychiatrists walking around in no shirts can often serve as a deterrent to our female employees. Suffice it to say if YOU think you’re COBRA material then by all means please apply, and by apply we mean burn down a school or church or puppy orphanage.
Remember: We’d like more Patty Hearsts, not Patsy Kleins
B IS FOR BROTHERHOOD
Once you accept membership into our exclusive order you will be drugged, sanitized, tissue typed, and possibly facially reconfigured before you wake up in any of our exciting, often subterranean training facilities. There, you will make new friends with your faceless, nameless family, forgetting your old life and learning anew the ways of the snake.
As top, shirtless COBRA training Officer Big Boa likes to put it: “I destroy weakness in the crushing mastication of my training. My digestive system of calisthenics, torture and psychological torture separates your individualism from the ideal COBRA officer inside of you!”
Your training complete, you will be given your very own blue and black uniform, a red laser rifle and begin your mandatory service in the COBRA Infantry. Congratulations, you’ve made it!
R IS FOR RED LASERS
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,” you cry. “Whoa. I don’t wanna’ be a flunky! I wanna’ be cool, like COBRA Commander, or Destro, or that guy who dresses up like a bird!”
We all want to be COBRA Commander, little snake, but we all have to start at the bottom. A mandatory one-year training as a COBRA trooper is the ground floor for your future. Don’t forget, it’s those bubble flying, red laser shooting human targets that allow the COBRA brass to so effectively run away in the face of danger and live to fight another day.
Sounds dangerous? Don’t worry. In the Twenty years of fighting G.I. Joe not one COBRA infantry soldier has ever died. Your time in the infantry will pass before you know it, and soon you’ll be ready for bigger and better things!
Do you have an advanced degree in law or finance? Why not join the Crimson Guard, COBRA Commander’s executive branch? Like sewage? Then consider becoming a Toxo-Viper, our corps. of toxic-environment specialists!
Whatever your criminal specialty, COBRA has a squadron of brightly colored weirdoes with your name on it! Try your hardest at mastering an obscure skill set, like crocodile wrestling or accounting and you might even one day earn yourself your own special, one of a kind COBRA code-name and position.
Who knows? You could be tomorrows “Crystal Ball” or “Zanzibar, The COBRA Pirate!”
A IS FOR ACCESSORIES
YES, joining COBRA is fast, fun and easy!
So the next time your parole officer is giving you the stink eye because you haven’t looked for work in a week, please consider making the positive social connections required to ensure your successful future: JOIN COBRA!
COBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
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